Well, we saw the movie, and we are sooooooooooooooooo glad that we did.
The final installment of the torturously drawn-out tween vamp romp, Twilight, is so incredibly worth the $10 ticket… ESPECiALLY if you’ve never seen any of the previous films or read any of the books. Trust us: you don’t need any prior explanation of what is happening on the screen to delight in it.
The delightfully incomprehensible plot, the unjustified stop-and-start pacing, the Who’s Who in World Vampires Today, the epically boring sex scenes, and THE DIALOGUE are just what the doctor ordered for making it this year’s best unintentional comedy.
Here are just a few of the moments that really captured our hearts and pushed us over the edge of ironically adoring this film. (The following are not spoilers to anyone who has ever read a thing about any of the previous movies. And reading these plot points is nothing like watching Taylor Lautner actually try to “act” them:)
1. Kristen Stewart wrestles a CGI mountain lion in the first two minutes of the film.
2. Despite both being super-fast vampires who do everything at hyper-speed and with inhuman vigor, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson “can’t stop” having the slowest, most unsexy sex ever captured on film. Each time they anticipate eroticism, Stewart reverts to her previous acting style of Unblinking Trauma Victim and all plot momentum screeches to an undead halt.
3. The result of the fateful lovers’ lovemaking is soon revealed in the form of a terribly rendered CGI baby with an even more terrible name. Why couldn’t they find a real baby to put in this movie? Were there no parents in Hollywood desperately flinging their future stars into writer/producer/genius Stephenie Meyer’s face to be the next Breaking Dawn demon spawn? Clearly, nobody (not even centuries-old vampires with dried-up wombs) would fawn over this shaky, off-color 2-D substitute.
4. The only explanation for using the expensive but unsuccessful CGI baby is because of the even-greater potential creep-out factor that an adult cast member immediately FALLS IN LOVE with the baby upon seeing it for the first time. We won’t spoil the fun and tell you who that character is, but there’s no way it’s not squeamishly gross and utterly hysterical in every possible scene this character is seen fawning over/talking about/fantasizing about the BABY.
5. Kristen Stewart finds out she has super powers! She can protect others from harm, but it only works when she grinds her face up like she’s passing a kidney stone and bites her lip really angstily.
6. Robert Pattinson tells Kristen Stewart that he has always underestimated her, and that she is constantly surprising him with her aptitude. Instead of kicking him in the junk, she finds this vote of unconfidence totally sexy, prompting another urgent (but painfully slow) kissing scene. Also revealing writer Stephenie Meyer’s personal stance on feminism/self-esteem.
7. Taylor Lautner takes all of his clothes off in front of Kristen Stewart’s dad. Upon learning the reason for Lautner’s constant disrobing, the father (the supposed “normal” compass for the viewer), immediately converts to full acceptance of such behavior in his world, no further questions asked.
8. The protagonist vampire clan, The Cullens, stage a final battle against the evil vampire overlords, The Voltari, and invite their friends, the other good vampires of the world, to join them. This collection of cosmopolitan vamps reads like the checklist from It’s a Small World: Twilight Edition, including stereotypical leprechaun-looking Irish vampires, tribal-painted Amazon vampiresses, and two Transylvannian extras from the set of Hugh Jackman’s Van Helsing. Not even Judd Apatow could conceive a better plot for a comedy.
9. Dakota Fanning (in all her eye makeup-ed glory) throws a blood-soaked baby vampire into a fire.
10. The ending credits. Honestly, one of the most saccharine, over-produced three minutes of cinematic perfection ever saved on film. I know that there are hundreds of Twi-hards who are crying themselves to sleep every night knowing that this film franchise is complete, and the ending was exactly what they needed to say good-bye to their fantasy vampire alter egos. But, wow. Just: wow. And Green Day? Really?
Overall, a delightful holiday romp for the whole family. Great fun all around. I recommend going to the Drafthouse so you can kick out any tweens who talk through the whole thing. (They are phenomenal during the fight scenes, though. Every single instance of head-ripping action blows their minds.)
Just make sure you’re not laughing TOO loudly throughout the whole movie. Those tear-jerked Twi-hards will shoot you some serious evil eyes after the film is done.